(I suspect she may have ulterior motives.)
When I started this blog, (in October 2008) I was sure that my followers would be in the hundreds within a matter of a few weeks. Readers? Oh, I'd have 'em--no problem. I told both my book clubs, my friends, my co-workers, and my relatives, even acquaintances I ran into in the the grocery store. I was sure, absolutely SURE that everyone would want to come and read every little thought I had. After all, many of these people were the ones who were always urging me to write down my stories. They were my biggest supporters. Surely they would tune in.
Boy, did I get a big ol' life lesson.
Apparently, people had other things to do, other interests, and though many greeted my news with enthusiasm, they never managed to sign on and read my posts. Hummm....
There were times in those early days when I threw myself some pretty good pity parties. It was frustrating knowing, for instance, that the woman who has been my best friend from first grade didn't read my blog. One of my sisters shows zero interest. Some of my good writing buddies don't read my blog. I had to beat my head against this for quite some time before I got some inner composure.
The worst situation is when I am talking to friends and I'll want to tell them something I wrote about in my blog, but to avoid repeating a story, I have to ask, "Did you read about ----- in Bossy Betty?" Then I get the sheepish "no." I feel bad about putting that person on the spot. I think they feel like I am disappointed too. (To be honest, sometimes I am.)
The other day I had a situation like the previous one and my friend admitted she didn't read my stuff. "It's all...you know...just too much."
Oh.
I guess I could take that a couple of ways. I do tend to write long posts and I do tend to post almost every day. For awhile I thought maybe I was coming across as that obnoxious student in the front row, holding up her hand and making "O! O! O! Notice me! " sounds. I decided I wouldn't post as much. Maybe I was putting people off. I skipped some days, but missed posting.
I also thought "...just too much" might refer to my personality. I do get a little wacky in some of my posts. I also get pretty heavy sometimes. And I HAVE always been that bulb that burned just a little too bright. I used to chastise myself for it, and tried to change, but at some point I think you just have to start liking yourself and stop changing who you are for others' approval. That brightness serves me well in most areas of my life anyway.
So, on the occasion of my 400th post I stop and reflect on what I have I learned from this whole journey.
First, it made me think about my own actions when my friends and others have launched projects. I know now that it's important to show up, to lend support. I may not have been the best about that in the past, but having a blog has taught me that small actions mean a lot.
I've learned that not everyone shows support in the same way. This was a tough one. I have a dear friend who refuses to sign up as a follower. Refuses. He won't leave comments either. Yet, I know, deep in my heart that he supports me--just not in the way I may want him to. I think this is the universe telling me once again that I don't always know best.
I've been blessed through my blog with some great people who share their lives and thoughts with me. I love the small, but very groovy band of people who have jumped on the Bossy Betty wagon--for the whole trip or maybe for just a short portion of it. My faithful readers mean so much to me. Sometimes posting feels like going out on a stage, singing your heart out, and just hoping someone out there is listening and maybe even chooses to clap once and awhile.
There were times in the early days when I'd have, maybe eleven visitors, most of them lost, that I thought about chucking it all. However, something always drew me back. Like any author I wanted people to like my work, but more importantly, I found I liked the process of writing my pieces. It made me happy. In an essay Annie Dillard talks about this and said she had discovered "...you do what you do out of your private passion for the thing itself." Pretty simple, huh?
So, maybe it's a little off-key.
Maybe it's a little "too much."
But maybe, just maybe, it's just right for me.
It's my song.
Thanks for listening.